Why I quit playing videogames, by Dean Welsh
or :Because you deserve to know
:because why I do what I do with my leisure time is on the forefront of the world’s mind
It’s not that I don’t like videogames anymore, it’s really not.
It’s that when you turned an atari on, you could play 4 rounds of a game in the time it takes this playstation to boot.
And then the playstation has to update… that’s another 14 rounds of Cosmic Arc.
And then my PSN name apparently doesn’t work anymore… and I have to figure out the e-mail I used to sign up for it in the first place to get sony to reset it… because apparently they were insecure and got hacked and by the way my credit card is probably compromised… And I could definitely have played another 30 rounds in that time.
And then I give up and just turn off the playstation.
And then three months later I turn it back on because I forget how much I hate it,
and then it all happens again.
BUT then I get determined and I sit down and figure it all out and get it all updated and ready to go for next time.
and then next time isn’t for another month… so there are more updates.
so here we go again.
and by the time it updates… I don’t want to play anymore…
BUT then another month later… “Screw it I’ll just use this thing to watch some weird foreign netflix feed….” the networking part of my playstation stops working and Apparently the solution (and believe me, I spent 3 hours on this… no exaggeration), is that “after you’ve tried everything, maybe try reformatting the disk.”
The reason Videogame consoles are better than computers, is because this doesn’t happen with consoles. Consoles are an appliance that you turn on and it’s game-on.
Screw this, I’m done with this new-fangled new console gaming, because it’s not console gaming. I’m going back to the good old NES and never playing anything that didn’t come on cartridge.
…Except the NES doesn’t really hook into my T.V… I mean… it does, but there’s some weird upscanning/oversampling thing that happens, and mario looks more like Potato. And the Atari’s right out… I mean… it was barely compatible with COAX…
So I find this thing that plugs into HDMI, called a retron5… it’s a thing that takes regular cartridges and controllers from like…. NES, SUPERNES,SEGA Genesis, Gameboy, and then does some sort of emulation magic so I can play it on my new t.v. HOLY SHIT! YES!
…Except after a year worth of delays on this holy grail I pre-ordered… there’s a lag in the controls, which renders everything unplayable garbage…. yeah… kinda figured it must be too good to be true…
So, It’s not so much that I don’t want to play videogames… castlevania’s still castlevania, and castlevania still rules…
It’s that I can’t.